My Reflections playlist - Part 8 (2013-2021)

In September 2013, my husband walked out and didn't come back. By that point, having started talking to people about what was going on, I was neither surprised nor even devastated. I was relieved.

64. "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson - The night D called to say he wasn't coming home, I'm sure that I cried. But the next morning, I got online and started applying to jobs, and I started learning how to be independent. I didn't know at the time whether he would come back, or whether this was The End, so I jumped in with both feet and prepared to be a single mom. This song carried me through the next year of divorce proceedings and the year after that of having to learn to co-parent. This is still one of my most loved songs (although I don't actually believe the lyrics).

65. "Evermore" by Dan Stevens - I just love this song. I watched the film three times in the theater (or was it four?). I fell in love with Dan Stevens' voice and memorized the song. The kids probably got sick of it because I listened to it so many times. I wanted to learn the words from listening rather than from reading lyrics. I know the film did weird stuff to his voice, but his actual voice is one of my absolute favorites. I now own two audiobooks that he narrates and will keep looking for more.

66. "I'll Never Love Again" by Lady Gaga (& Bradley Cooper) - The  movie A Star is Born destroyed me. I watched it once and may not be able to ever watch it again. It was so intense and so brutally sad. Not that I didn't love it, and for sure this song and "Shallow" are on my long-term favorite songs list. But the depth of grief I experienced during the film is not something I would choose to go through again anytime soon.

67. "This is Me" by Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble - Best. Song. Ever. One of the results of my divorce was - understandably - a feeling of diminished self-worth. I am fat. I am ugly. I am lazy. I'm a horrible mom. I'm apparently also a horrible wife. OK, but even if that were all true (which I know intellectually it's not), this is who I am. I shouldn't have to apologize for who I am. And this song is a reminder that I am worthy of love.

68. "Wonderful Life" by Zendaya - The film Small Foot may seem like just another cute animated flick, but I really appreciated this song and the message that questioning established beliefs is healthy. During 45's presidency and as a result of his being elected by such a large portion of White Evangelicals, I started asking questions, trying to be a "seeker of the truth." This song made me feel validated in my questions. Plus it's Zendaya. That is enough.

69. "Portals" by Alan Silvestri - I was a super latecomer to the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). After seeing Black Panther in the theater on the recommendation of many friends, I watched the existing 16 films (excluding the Hulk ones) in time to see Avengers: Infinity War before it left theaters two months later. I was hooked. This song from Avengers: Endgame feels to me like the climax of the MCU. It is the triumph of good over evil in the midst of pain and great loss. It is hope.

70. "C'est La Vie" by Khaled - My niece (age 3 at the time) loved this song so much that one evening when we were over at their house visiting (before Covid), she begged my sister to play it for us. And we danced! How can you listen to this song and not dance? Of course, she didn't understand the words, and I don't understand any of the Arabic, but that doesn't in any way diminish our enjoyment of it. Loving and dancing; that's the life!

I don't have any songs for Covid, although I'm sure I could think of some if I wanted to. But these songs really are still echoing in my mind even now, so this will have to be enough for the time being. Thanks for coming on this journey with me!