25 October 2013

Raw

On this day seven years ago, I was preparing for my wedding.

And here I am now, seven years down the road, grieving the broken covenant.

Of course I'd heard about "the seven year itch," but I had never imagined it would ever apply to my marriage. It's that same old attitude of, I know bad things happen to people, but surely, that will never happen to me. Why we believe lies like this, I'm not certain, but it is surely a lie.

God gives. God takes away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I am now a single mom of two small children.

I can't even begin to express all the things that have gone through my mind in the past six weeks since this became my new reality. While the official papers have not yet been signed, for all practical purposes we are now down to a family of three. And I am left with only questions.

  • Was I just not good enough?
  • What could I have done differently?
  • Was it because I'm too fat? Or because I couldn't cook? Or because I"m messy?
  • Why now?
  • How will I support my kids when the longest I have ever worked full-time is eight months at a stretch, and that was eight years ago?
  • What is wrong with me?
  • What is wrong with him?
  • How will I ever explain this to the kids, especially when I don't understand it myself?
  • How will I make it without the weekly support I get from MOPS and my women's Bible study--both of which I will have to give up to work full-time?
  • Where do we go from here?
  • Why? Why??

I'm left with questions--questions that may not even have answers at all. But this is real. This is bone-chillingly, mind-numbingly, faith-testingly, earth-shatteringly real.

But the fact is that life doesn't stop--can't stop here. I have two small children who need me to be their strength and support. And I need God to be my strength and support because I just can't do it on my own. If nothing else, this is teaching me humility, to accept help from people who barely know me, to admit defeat.

I can't do this on my own.

So with the help and prayers of amazing women God has placed in my life, I am putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. And somehow, by God's grace, we will pull through and be stronger for the struggle.

By God's grace alone.