13 January 2010

Dead ends

Once again, as I’m writing, I’m crying. why would anyone want to read my posts when they are so depressed and discouraged?

We had been somewhat excited about a possible opportunity for David, which would help with career advancement and education, but we realized today it was just wishful thinking. Nothing is ever as simple as it first appears.

And so we are literally back to square one. Neither of us in the past year has gotten any useful education, and neither of us is particularly employable. And once again we are living off my part-time salary.

I’ve been given an ultimatum that I must either get a full-time job or take classes so that at some point I will be able to support us financially. After all, if I’d done this a year ago, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I am obviously selfish and don’t care about my family.

Call me what you will, when I think of dropping Timothy off at day care every single weekday, my heart breaks. The thought is just devastating. I was really lucky to have a stay-at-home mom who was always there.

But you know what, I’d be willing to sacrifice and get a job if I could find a job. I’m willing to move anywhere in the country if I can just get a worthwhile job. I’ve applied for so many jobs and have only had one interview in the whole past year.

And I’d be glad to take classes, but for what?? It would need to be something with a good job market. The only thing I can think of is a health-related field, but I’d have to start from scratch, having only taken biology and chemistry in college – and not even a full year of biology at that. My English degree is only useful for teaching and publishing. If I were to be forced into a teaching career in K-12 (for which I’d have to get my MA in Teaching), I would lose all faith in a loving God, since that career would be for me a living hell. And the job market for English teachers in institutions of higher education is dim at best. So that leaves publishing. Well, unfortunately, the publishing industry is also headed into oblivion.

Everyone says there are jobs out there great for English majors because we have better communication skills than most. But where are those jobs?

People keep telling me they are praying for us, and that God has a purpose for our lives. Yeah, well, He’s not being very helpful in leading us to anything right now. It’s just been one closed door after another – Bam! Bam! Bam! Am I doomed to bag groceries for the next three or four years, just so we can pay our bills? if I could even get a job doing that?? What was the point of my $100,000 education? What is the point of education at all if you can’t get a job??

Okay, enough ranting. Tears alone will have to do for now.

07 January 2010

Looking forward to people

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I’m not a very social person. In most places I’ve lived, I’ve had a small group of close friends but have a hard time making new ones. I’m not big on parties or functions with lots of people. I once had a panic attack in a crowded auditorium foyer. I’m terrible at conversations and can never think of the right things to say, especially on the phone.

But even an introvert like me needs to be around people. My parents were here for three weeks over the holidays and have now been gone for five days. It’s been a really rough week so far. I got so used to having them around all the time to talk to, laugh with, sing silly songs for Timothy with. Now the house is empty and quiet, and I’m shocked to discover how much I want to see other people! Our routine social activities from the fall haven’t picked up again yet. No Bible study, no MOPS, no small group. I was so glad that my friend Heather and her kids were free for us to spend some time with on Tuesday and Wednesday. I still never know what to say, but the only way I’m going to learn is by trying, right? It was fabulous to get out of the house and be around people I like! Thanks, Heather!

And next week, finally, our activities will start up again, so Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays Timothy and I can look forward to being around people. Our little apartment gets lonesome pretty quickly with just the two of us – even worse in some ways now that David is home with us! The other thing about next week is that it is supposed to be sunny – or at least sunnier – so we’ll be able to go for a walk or to the park without my worrying about Timothy’s freezing! Yay! I live and enjoy a sedentary lifestyle for the most part, but even I need to get out and walk sometimes! Maybe we can even kill two birds with one stone – invite someone to walk or play outside with us!

After all, I’ve begun to realize that without something to look forward to, I will just melt away into a depressed oblivion. So bring on the activities! Let me immerse myself in doing so I don’t have to think about the worries of my future!