March 17, 2014

Tired of being fat

I am fat.

Yup, you know it. There is no way around it. If you want to be politically correct, you can call me "mildly obese," but hey, if the the shoe fits...

But I can't get out of this pit I'm in. I don't have the energy to get out. I can't do this by myself.

I know people will say, "Give it to God" or "You can't, but God can," and to be honest, I'm tired of all that talk.

The fact is that God gives us people to keep us accountable, to help us through our rough spots, to be moral support. Sometimes God reaches down and lifts us up out of the mire. But more often than not, He sends others to do that.

But not this time.

People don't get it. Watching one's weight is usually a personal thing. "You just need motivation, determination." Or whatever. Everything I've heard about going through divorce emphasizes that you need to take care of your body.

No one gets how hard that is, how much of a struggle. All of my peers are skinny chicks who eat right, cook nutritious meals for their families, and exercise. Some find it harder than others, but they all manage it to some extent.

I don't manage it at all. I am failing--more and more so every single day.

I am surviving my divorce--six months of separation as of yesterday. I am paying bills. I am making sure my children are safe and are learning and growing. I am working full-time, which I never in my life wanted to have to do. But I'm doing it and actually enjoying my job.

But food... Food is my area of absolute failure. And I cannot break free.

I. Cannot. Break. Free.

6 comments:

  1. THAT'S HOW I FEEL TOO!!!! I truly feel like it's a burden weighing me down (no pun intended) and I feel worse and worse everyday...

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  2. Hey Saralynn,

    I don't presume to know what you are going through, what you have tried, or how you feel about various "diets" but I want to say a couple things and you just feel free to completely ignore it if it's not helpful.

    My first thought is that I hope you are not trying to diet, per se. Diets are unsustainable, but changing the way you understand food and your lifestyle of eating will be much more successful.

    I believe good food will get you farther than exercise. I say, let go of the exercise idea if it's bringing you guilt or anxiety.

    And my main point is that I think a diet of nutritious, real, satisfying food will do really great things for you. I don't know what kind of food you currently eat, but if it's low-fat, stop. I see a lot of people trying to lose fat by eating low-fat, but it doesn't work. Your body needs fat. It needs salt. It needs protein and carbs too. Cutting out any of those things is not going to help for real. Of course, it doesn't need corn syrup and highly processed foods. My only real personal experience with this is that my baby weight has come off pretty quickly each time and that with a diet chock full of butter, whole milk, cheese, sour cream, eggs, heavy cream, salt, and bread. I've heard of other people who are quite overweight losing so much by simply switching to these whole, real foods. When our bodies receive the nutrients they need, they stop feeling starved and stop storing up. It doesn't even need to take much more effort or time. Buy butter instead of margarine. Buy whole milk instead of skim (farmers feed skim milk to pigs to fatten them up!!). Put butter and salt on your veggies. Sure, it means boxes mac and cheese shouldn't be a regular meal, but grilled cheese made with real cheese and good bread is wonderful! Maybe don't do cold cereal with skim milk, but instead toast with butter or oatmeal with butter and maple syrup (which you could even cook up in a big pot one day and eat leftovers for a few after that!). Organic is great, but not necessary for this kind of change. Just using real, whole ingredients is enough. And keep it simple.

    Also, this is a really yummy way to eat!

    I highly recommend a book called "Real Food" by Nina Planck for more information.

    Again, just ignore me if I'm not saying anything helpful. For all I know you've heard it all before and it's not your thing or doesn't work well for you. I hear your sadness and just wish I could do *something* to encourage you and be part of that help your looking for. So this is my attempt. I hope you do find some support from people closer to you.

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    1. Anonymous18:27

      Thanks, sweetie. I would *love* to eat real food... if someone else cooked it. I used to cook good, real food. Then my hubs said he wouldn't eat my food, and then I started working full-time, and now it's just not fun or at all easy. If I actually cooked every night, my kids would be eating dinner at 7 or 7:30 (after having eaten lunch at 11) and then would be going to bed later, thus making it even harder to get them up on time. Plus I'm just exhausted when I get home, and making real meals seems like such a chore. There you have it. Cooking is now a chore. I hate it and just can't get up the energy for it.

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  3. Anonymous02:28

    I, too, have gotten fat in the last year or so, mostly due to a radical lifestyle change known as "getting fired from your high-paying job and having to survive on minimum wage for longer than you thought you would have to." And I too know that it is hard to diet and exercise when you have children you have to take care of - you can't skip a meal because they need to eat; you can't just go for a jog because they need someone to watch out for them - and a job that ties up the majority of your time and energy. My best advice is to not judge the rest of your life by this one year. You are still young, you have many years ahead of you where your situation will be different - the kids will grow up, you might change jobs or locations, you might find that workout buddy you are looking for. There are all kinds of stories of women who are in the best shape of their life at 40 or 50, so don't lose hope yet. You have plenty to concern yourself with already, so I suggest you just put this particular worry aside for a couple years. The good news is that since the majority of people these days are overweight, you are in good company - clothing designers actually make some cute things in bigger sizes, there are all kinds of easy-to-make meal options available, and I hear even furniture stores are quietly catering to the wider-framed populace. Be joyful that you're not at a stage of life where you need to be skinny to "win a man" or "impress a client" or pass a PE class. But if you're having a really bad day, ask me to send you pictures of local Samoans at the beach. They look like beached whales, but it doesn't stop them from wearing a size XXXL bikini and enjoying time with their family. They inspire me (and make me feel skinny by comparison). Wish I could help you more than that, but it looks like you're just going to have to be patient. God takes a lifetime to reveal himself to us.

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  4. Anonymous19:11

    I feel your pain Saralynn--not in the same exact ways--but definitely when it comes to weight issues. I'm not able to get out to exercise either. Tied to the kids and house a bit much. In the past I would play Just Dance on the Wii with the kids--that was my workout. I need to get back into it.

    As far as diet goes, I'm finding it to be a bit of a challenge changing how we eat, too. I've had the most success with making a weekly menu which includes breakfast, lunch and dinner. I make a shopping list based on that and then I have everything I need for the week. It's a bit of a pain to keep on top of the planning and grocery list, but in the end it takes away a lot of the stress at meal time. We're still trying out new, healthier recipes but once that's done I'll make it into a 3- or 4-week rotating menu. That will eliminate the need to come up with something new each week. Let me know if you want me to send on the healthier recipes we try out that are tasty and not too time-consuming/difficult. Would love to share!

    Remember--you can't do it all! Don't beat yourself up. Nobody else has all their ducks in row either, despite how they may look to others.

    Lori

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    1. Anonymous20:27

      I would love recipes. But truly, the planning itself is the pits, plus the fact that some days we don't eat a single meal at home. (The kids only eat breakfast and/or lunch at home on the weekends, and I usually take breakfast and lunch to work.) And unless it can be prepped and cooked in 10 minutes or less, I'm not likely to do it because I'm just totally zapped by the time I get home. This week we had toast and eggs one night, and cereal and oatmeal another night. That was about all I could handle. And the worst part is that THIS WILL NEVER GO AWAY. I'm going to be working full-time for the rest of my adult life, most likely. There is just no end in sight. Until I die.

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