What I didn't get to say

 Dear friend,

I read your name today and painfully remembered the last conversation we had. It was an exchange of text messages, and we were both hurting. I wanted you to understand, to not take his side, to back me up--but mostly to understand. I wanted you to see my pain and acknowledge it was legitimate. But you were hurt indirectly by my words against him. We were both so hurt, and instead of responding in a patient and loving manner, I avoided you. And within a couple of months, I'd moved away. We lost touch--mostly because I was so resentful--and I often wondered about you. Not enough to pick up my phone and send a text. Not enough to ask about you from the others I left behind. There was still that pain. 

And now that pain has turned to regret. If I had known that your days were so numbered, would I have reached out to you? Moved beyond my pain and asked your forgiveness? 

Our friendship was so short, and yet you brought me to life in a way I'd forgotten was possible. You made me laugh with your goofiness and got me through long days at work with wacky text messages. You were positive and made me feel likable at a time when I was struggling through recent divorce and raising two kids on my own. You were a deep thinker and made me examine my own thoughts and assumptions about life. You were a shoulder to lean on, with gentle hands to help untangle my yarn. I wish I had known you longer, known you sooner, before it all fell apart. I wish we could have been true friends. I wish we could have weathered the storm together instead of letting it tear us apart.

It's possible you never thought of me after we moved, after everything ended. You were social and surrounded by friends all the time, so maybe you didn't remember me. That would be OK. But I remembered you. And I wish I had taken the time to tell you I was sorry, to reach out again and enjoy your smile.

You believed your soul will live on with Jesus, so I'll hope that in some way you get a chance to see this. For whatever it's worth, I wanted to tell you I loved you, and that I'm sorry I didn't love you better. 

I miss you.

Saralynn