The last two months have been pretty much a blur. I have
been frantic to find work and figure out all the details of my new life, so I haven’t
really let myself be sad too much. When I think about the marriage that is broken
(and apparently unfixable at my end), I usually just push the thought away and
focus on what’s at hand: job, kids, Anna’s upcoming birthday, Thanksgiving,
etc. I know that eventually, I will have to let myself feel it and grieve. I
need to find a support group. When my home group prayed for me, I wept. At
church during prayer time, I wept. It does happen sometimes. But most days I
push it all aside.
That can’t last for too long. But for now, it’s a good
coping mechanism. Not denial – just avoidance.
In truth, our daily lives are hardly different. Even with my
new job, we’ve done this before. I worked full-time in the spring while David
was taking classes full-time, so we’ve done the whole day care scenario before,
the whole oh-my-gosh-it’s-6:30-and-I-have-nothing-to-feed-my-kids-for-dinner
scenario. We’ve been here. And honestly, since I was pregnant with Anna, I have
been a single mom a lot, between D’s responsibilities at school and the army. I
can do this.
And I will. I’m not going to sink. One great thing is that I
don’t like alcohol, so I’m not even tempted
to drink. My kids are super important to me, so this mama is going to put on
her big girl panties and wear the pants for us.
A couple people have criticized me for giving up on my
marriage. I honestly don’t see it that way. I won’t go into all the nitty
gritty because even I don’t know all the details. But I am comforted that those
who are closest to me are just loving on me. God is good. In spite of all this
trash, I have a home here and a new job that will support us—a job that I am loving so far. Even the people at work
are only supportive. They’ve got my back; I’m one of the family.
My marriage may have fallen apart, but I am not going to.
I am strong.
I am invincible.
I am woman.
