Snow day in Sequoia

Last Friday, my parents took all three of us up to the snow in Sequoia National Park. It was about a two-hour drive from our apartment to the snow area, but on the way we stopped to see the famous General Sherman, a Giant Sequoia tree. Timothy loved walking in the snow and throwing snowballs with his bare hands. The trail to see the tree is at an incline, so we stomped and slid along, as the trail was a little icy in places.

General Sherman is as huge as ever! Although it’s not the tallest nor the widest tree in existence, it is the largest in volume. It’s easy to believe when you circle it and look up into its branches. Some folks were lying down on the cleared off bench, taking photos upwards of the tree, and they just kept saying, “Wow… wow.” Its circumference at the base is about 31 meters, so you can imagine a tree around which it takes more than 30 grown men to circle. Because it was snowy, we could get much closer to it than we would have been able to in summer, with its being roped off and all. I joked with David that it would be a nice place to build a several-story summer home – in the trunk, that is. The walk back to the car was slippery, and Timothy raced ahead of the rest of us, plowing into strangers who thankfully thought he was cute and didn’t mind. One part of the trail goes through a fallen tree trunk, and that was pretty cool. There were even icicles hanging from the tunnel’s edge.

We piled back into the car (after Timothy ran into the street and scared me half to death – how am I going to get him to stop doing that???) and drove further on to the snow area. Having never been to Sequoia in the winter, Dad & I half-expected it to be a tourist attraction like Yosemite. Alas, no. Although there was a sledding hill, there were no shops open (only in the summer), so we were glad we’d brought our own lunch! Mom had made us a picnic, so we enjoyed eating in the car before we traipsed out into the snowy field.

Some of the snow was pretty deep. David and I on separate occasions both went down almost up to our hips in snow. At one point I thought I would have to ask Dad or David to help pull me out! Timothy had a blast jumping in the snow, throwing it, and especially kicking it. We none of us had on snow clothes, but I’d brought a dry set of clothes for Timothy, so I let him go ahead and get soaked. I put on his mittens and my gloves, and that made everything much nicer. He had fun with Grampa, sliding down into a small gully on his bottom and then climbing out again. We started to make a tiny snowman, but Timothy kicked it, and snow flew everywhere. I climbed halfway up the snowy roof of the summer snack shop before I realized if I went further I’d have to slide down on my bottom. So I climbed down again, leaving that for some day when I’ve got on snow pants. :) David, Timothy, and I set off to the sledding hill and got some great exercise walking in the snow before it was time to go. We even passed a little creek into which Timothy wanted to jump, right after I’d heard read to me that there are so many drowning deaths in the mountains! No way were we getting near that creek, even though it was literally barely deep enough to cover my shoes if I’d had to go through it. It looked freezing and very slippery. Brr!

All in all, we were only in the snow for a couple of hours, but we all had a great time – Mom in the car listening to an audiobook and the rest of us in the snow. By the time we were done, around 2pm, Timothy was soaked, and I was glad I’d brought dry clothes! But it was a warm, sunny day – I wore short sleeves and felt fine – and we enjoyed the snow! I hope there will be pictures soon to follow.

Thanks, Mom and Dad, for a great snow day 2010!

0600

Something woke me up at 0600 yesterday. I’m guessing it was Timothy’s whining from his bed. Maybe he was thirsty; maybe he was cold. Who knows? I pulled his covers over him more closely and patted him, and the little guy went right back to sleep. David was in the living room on his computer, wide awake, enjoying the quiet morning. He had been awake since 0400 and would go back to sleep around 0700.

I got a drink and went back to bed.

I realize that many people are up by 0600 on a regular basis. In fact, I know someone who gets up at 0500 every day and walks her dog.

Not me.

No way.

I’ve never been a morning person. In college, I avoided taking 0800 classes after my freshman year because I knew I was more likely to fall asleep in them. And when you’re sitting front and center, falling asleep is a particular problem. I remember one evening as a freshman, going over my notes from my 0800 Intro to Anthropology class and trying to read miniscule writing that drifted off the page. It was during that semester that I did my experiment with drinking four cups of coffee at breakfast before class.

Never again.

But at least I stayed awake!

I had to get up at 0630 when I worked in San Diego, since I had a 45-minute commute and had to be at work at 0800. Sometimes we would get there at 0730 so we could leave by 1630 instead of 1700. So yes, I do know what it’s like to get up early regularly. I can do it if I need to.

But it’s not for me.

In high school we were always encouraged to get up early for quiet itime before the day really began. Honestly, I did try. But every time after the first couple of days, I would drift off back to sleep as I was trying to pray. Call it spiritual warfare if you wish.

I don’t think so.

No, I’m definitely not a morning person. And at this time of my life, I can afford to sleep late. In fact, I need to sleep late. Since I work from home, my best work is done at night, when Timothy is asleep. And I’m obsessive about getting my work done early. If I have 40 papers turned in between 0700 on Monday and 0700 on Tuesday, by Tuesday morning I will have already done at least 15, even though I have until Thursday night to finish the lot. I’m usually done all the grading by Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. I just like to work that way and not feel last-minute pressure. And it’s so nice and quiet when Timothy’s asleep. So I stay up until 0100 or 0200 to get my work done. It’s no wonder I don’t wake up at 0600!

No sir, not me!

The other great thing is that Timothy is not really a morning person. Some days he wakes up between 0700 and 0730, but even when he does, he plays quietly until 0830 or so. I’m spoiled; what can I say?

I love sleep.

But I know that at some point in my life – perhaps sooner, perhaps later – I will have to regularly get up “early.” Whether I’ll have to work or wake up with Timothy, I know the day will come when 0600 becomes the set alarm on my phone (unless of course by then I have a real alarm clock).

Boo.

So for now I will enjoy sleeping in while I can, having a routine that allows me to get up at 0900 five days a week and pad around in my bathrobe for awhile. Call me lazy if you wish. I don’t care. It’s just the way I am.

And sometimes I like being me.

Revisiting high school

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up this summer, and I’m starting to think about seeing some of my old friends again. We were a small graduating class – 27 of us – and by the time we graduated, I think it’s safe to say we’d all become friends. Sure, there were our spats and rivalries, typical teenage stuff, but I’d like to think we all got along pretty well.

In the past ten years, I’ve seen many of my classmates in different venues – weddings, funerals, spring break road trips, etc., – but there are several I haven’t seen since graduation. Just this weekend, in fact, David, Timothy, and I went to Las Vegas to visit a high school classmate who just had her first baby. I hadn’t seen her since we’d parted ways that eventful evening in June 2000. It was wonderful to meet her husband and son and to catch up a bit. I doubt either of us could have ever imagined that we’d be where we are today.

And I realised that she is the first of my classmates that I’ve seen when she is a mom. In fact, I’ve hardly seen any of my classmates since they’ve been married; the ones I have most often seen are the singles. I guess that’s typical, considering travel costs are double for a couple, let alone a whole family (some of my classmates have three kids). Admittedly, I would love to do more traveling than I am able to now, both because of finances and because of the stress of going anywhere with a toddler.

So it has been a long time since I’ve seen most of my class friends. I have tried to keep up, and Facebook has been a real boon there, but it’s impossible to keep intimately involved with every single person as time goes by. So who are these people in my class?

We are moms, dads, marrieds, singles, teachers, lawyers, doctors, speech pathologists, business partners, students, unemployed, nurses, administrative assistants, store  managers, IT wizards, graphic designers, and more!

And although I know we won’t all 27 be at the reunion, I also know that several people who did not graduate with us (who had left before 2000) will be there. It might be an awkward weekend, but it might just as well be an amazing one. So here’s to the Hillcrest Class of 2000: see you soon!

Dead ends

Once again, as I’m writing, I’m crying. why would anyone want to read my posts when they are so depressed and discouraged?

We had been somewhat excited about a possible opportunity for David, which would help with career advancement and education, but we realized today it was just wishful thinking. Nothing is ever as simple as it first appears.

And so we are literally back to square one. Neither of us in the past year has gotten any useful education, and neither of us is particularly employable. And once again we are living off my part-time salary.

I’ve been given an ultimatum that I must either get a full-time job or take classes so that at some point I will be able to support us financially. After all, if I’d done this a year ago, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I am obviously selfish and don’t care about my family.

Call me what you will, when I think of dropping Timothy off at day care every single weekday, my heart breaks. The thought is just devastating. I was really lucky to have a stay-at-home mom who was always there.

But you know what, I’d be willing to sacrifice and get a job if I could find a job. I’m willing to move anywhere in the country if I can just get a worthwhile job. I’ve applied for so many jobs and have only had one interview in the whole past year.

And I’d be glad to take classes, but for what?? It would need to be something with a good job market. The only thing I can think of is a health-related field, but I’d have to start from scratch, having only taken biology and chemistry in college – and not even a full year of biology at that. My English degree is only useful for teaching and publishing. If I were to be forced into a teaching career in K-12 (for which I’d have to get my MA in Teaching), I would lose all faith in a loving God, since that career would be for me a living hell. And the job market for English teachers in institutions of higher education is dim at best. So that leaves publishing. Well, unfortunately, the publishing industry is also headed into oblivion.

Everyone says there are jobs out there great for English majors because we have better communication skills than most. But where are those jobs?

People keep telling me they are praying for us, and that God has a purpose for our lives. Yeah, well, He’s not being very helpful in leading us to anything right now. It’s just been one closed door after another – Bam! Bam! Bam! Am I doomed to bag groceries for the next three or four years, just so we can pay our bills? if I could even get a job doing that?? What was the point of my $100,000 education? What is the point of education at all if you can’t get a job??

Okay, enough ranting. Tears alone will have to do for now.

Looking forward to people

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I’m not a very social person. In most places I’ve lived, I’ve had a small group of close friends but have a hard time making new ones. I’m not big on parties or functions with lots of people. I once had a panic attack in a crowded auditorium foyer. I’m terrible at conversations and can never think of the right things to say, especially on the phone.

But even an introvert like me needs to be around people. My parents were here for three weeks over the holidays and have now been gone for five days. It’s been a really rough week so far. I got so used to having them around all the time to talk to, laugh with, sing silly songs for Timothy with. Now the house is empty and quiet, and I’m shocked to discover how much I want to see other people! Our routine social activities from the fall haven’t picked up again yet. No Bible study, no MOPS, no small group. I was so glad that my friend Heather and her kids were free for us to spend some time with on Tuesday and Wednesday. I still never know what to say, but the only way I’m going to learn is by trying, right? It was fabulous to get out of the house and be around people I like! Thanks, Heather!

And next week, finally, our activities will start up again, so Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays Timothy and I can look forward to being around people. Our little apartment gets lonesome pretty quickly with just the two of us – even worse in some ways now that David is home with us! The other thing about next week is that it is supposed to be sunny – or at least sunnier – so we’ll be able to go for a walk or to the park without my worrying about Timothy’s freezing! Yay! I live and enjoy a sedentary lifestyle for the most part, but even I need to get out and walk sometimes! Maybe we can even kill two birds with one stone – invite someone to walk or play outside with us!

After all, I’ve begun to realize that without something to look forward to, I will just melt away into a depressed oblivion. So bring on the activities! Let me immerse myself in doing so I don’t have to think about the worries of my future!

Avatar

I’m not sure even where to begin.

David and I watched Avatar on Saturday afternoon – our first date in over a year – and I just feel that I need to sit down and think about it. It’s been three days, and I haven’t taken the time to absorb it. With most movies, I can talk about them for a few minutes and then put them away in my mind as a “good show” or “fun two hours.” Not that Avatar wasn’t a good show – quite the contrary. But after seeing it and not having anyone to talk to about it (David’s not being the type to discuss films), I guess I need to write. It’s been gnawing at me, but I’m not sure why yet. So let me explore a little.

Without revealing too much, the basic plot of the movie is that a medically discharged Marine (paralyzed from the waist down) is asked to serve on a tour to the planet Pandora. On the corporate side, there is a metal found on Pandora that is worth billions. On the scientific side, there is a race of humanoid aliens that needs to be studied…and perhaps politely asked to move their village because of the large metal deposit beneath their home. On the military side, life on Pandora needs to be subdued if not completely crushed – including the aliens – to keep the mission and its personnel safe. And – guess what – this discharged Marine, Jake Sully, is caught in the middle.

But it’s so much more than that. The movie is chock full of colonialism, cultural diversity, newfound life and vitality, faith, values, might and right, self-discovery, betrayal … The list goes on. It’s a little overwhelming, actually, which is why I suppose I’m having trouble absorbing it. Maybe this is a good time to say that I loved the film. Although it’s not perhaps my favorite movie of all time, it’s definitely one I’ll want to watch over and over again, even though it is close to three hours long.

On a more review-type note, the movie is a violent one (in a Sci-Fi way), and I would definitely not take young kids to see it. There’s also a good deal of inappropriate language you don’t want to teach your kids. As for sexual content, it’s there but very limited and not at all explicit. The plot is complex with a few twists that catch you off guard. Great work on the music (another high-five for Horner) and fantastic special effects. Although there was not enough character development for any of the minor characters, Jake Sully definitely got his fair share of depth. The movie has adventure, romance, war, and science fiction, all rolled into one and fairly balanced.

All in all, I’d give it 4.5 stars out of 5. Maybe if you see it, you’ll know what I mean about needing to absorb it. And if you do watch it, let me know so I can have someone with whom to discuss it! As for me, I’m hoping to see it in 3-D. :)

Losing hope

After all that God had done for us to get us to this point in the process we’re going through with jobs, I was so sure that He would see us through the final round to success. But was I wrong to hope as I did? It’s all out of our hands now. We’ve played all our cards. But there has been nothing yet to suggest we have any hope of succeeding, and the time is almost up for this particular process. The little optimist hiding inside me says that it’s not over quite yet, but each day I wake up thinking maybe this will be the day, and each night I go to sleep weary and confused. Maybe I was wrong, and God is trying to teach us a very difficult lesson: to give up our dreams and trust Him to lead us to something different. But if that’s true, why does my heart wrench each time I think of what could be, and why does all our research into other possibilities end up fruitless? Don’t they say that if God closes a door, He opens a window somewhere else? So if He has closed the door to this future we had hoped and planned on, why hasn’t He opened a window for us? I just don’t understand. I am confused, discouraged, weary, and heart-broken. And I feel very much alone.

From despair to delight

Forty-eight hours ago, my heart was heavy. The past several weeks (months, really) have been hard for us as a family as we’ve been looking at our future, and everything seemed to be going wrong. Nothing was working out the way we had hoped, and I was near despair. My mind was full of questions. Where would we go from here? How could be manage financially? Would we end up in a place where David and I had to both work full-time jobs in which we’d never see each other because of overlapping shifts? What was God trying to teach us?

And then yesterday, everything turned around, with extra emphasis added this morning. It was funny to me because in my Bible study, we’ve been studying the Patriarchs, and yesterday I read about Joseph’s being taken up out of prison to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams and being set as ruler over all of Egypt during the seven years of plenty and seven years of famine. It was just a perfect parallel to me. I’ve never been in prison, but these past few months, I have felt imprisoned by fear, doubt, hopelessness, confusion, and even grief.

Yet in these past two days, God has lifted my head! I wish I could say it didn’t take His miraculous work for me to be reminded of His faithfulness. I should have been just as aware of HIs presence when everything seemed hopeless, but I doubted. I guess I didn’t doubt Him as much as the plan I was so sure He had set for us. And now I am reminded of His goodness and faithfulness to His children. I don’t want to wax eloquent on trusting God; needless to say, I am still learning how to lean on my LORD. But the relief I feel in these two acts of God – which I really do believe were miraculous – has brought me to tears over and over again since yesterday. God’s ways are higher than mine, and that sure is something to thank Him for!!