Because I’m divorced.
One of the hardest things about being divorced has been facing those I knew in my old evangelical life, all of whom I’ve disappointed by dissolving my marriage. If I took time to explain the emotional and psychological abuse, the gaslighting, they might—might—feel sorry for me and offer to pray for me. One or two might actually think the end of my marriage was the right thing (though still probably not "good"). But every one of them is disappointed. Even if I never see these people from my past ever again, or even hear from them, I know in my bones, and in the depths of my soul, that I have failed them.
I was a “good” girl. I never drank or smoked. I saved myself for marriage, didn’t even kiss a boy ever until my wedding night. I did all the right things. And yet my marriage failed. Either I picked the wrong person and was foolish in following my heart, or I picked the right person but was foolish in letting it end. Either way, I failed. I’m a single mom, and I bear the unbelievably heavy weight of disappointment from everyone who’s ever loved me.
It’s heavy. So heavy. The shame is overwhelming. Never mind that half of marriages in the country end in divorce. Never mind that just as many of those divorces are of Christian couples. That doesn’t matter. In my evangelical upbringing, divorce is sinful, and a divorced person is someone to be pitied and avoided. And as an exvangelical, I am struggling against the weight and chains that bind me to this anguish of shame. I have left the Church but will need years to process now to break the chains.
And until then, I will continue to hide from the Christian men and women I respect, those who loved me when I was “good.” Interacting with them is just too painful. Even if we never speak of my marriage or divorce, I will feel their disappointment and slowly cave in upon myself while murmuring my mantra: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Well, dear Saralynn, I happened upon your blog this afternoon, and I must say that here is one old lady from your "old evangelical life" who thinks you are a hero. I am NOT disappointed in you. I don't consider you a "sinner" because your marriage ended in divorce. I applaud your courage in making the best choice for your family. I applaud your day by day decisions to do the very best you can for your two great kids. I know it's not easy. Being a married mom was hard enough---I can't imagine the strength it takes to do it solo.
ReplyDeleteI am deeply sorry that your experiences with church have made you feel ashamed. Shame on the church(es) that have not come alongside you in love and friendship. They are the ones missing out--missing your brilliance and gifts. I have prayed, and will continue to pray, that someday you will look for and find a church where people enfold you as a sister. It will need to be a place where grace is understood and practiced. Where everyone "inside the fold" has only deep gratitude to the Lord Jesus who carried ALL OUR SINS to the cross. Where God has no favorites--except we ALL are! I have a couple of ideas about where to go from here if you wanted to search for a church like that. I won't give unwanted advice, but if you're interested, you know where to find me. I love you!