And here I am now, seven years down the road, grieving the broken covenant.
Of course I'd heard about "the seven year itch," but I had never imagined it would ever apply to my marriage. It's that same old attitude of, I know bad things happen to people, but surely, that will never happen to me. Why we believe lies like this, I'm not certain, but it is surely a lie.
God gives. God takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I am now a single mom of two small children.
I can't even begin to express all the things that have gone through my mind in the past six weeks since this became my new reality. While the official papers have not yet been signed, for all practical purposes we are now down to a family of three. And I am left with only questions.
- Was I just not good enough?
- What could I have done differently?
- Was it because I'm too fat? Or because I couldn't cook? Or because I"m messy?
- Why now?
- How will I support my kids when the longest I have ever worked full-time is eight months at a stretch, and that was eight years ago?
- What is wrong with me?
- What is wrong with him?
- How will I ever explain this to the kids, especially when I don't understand it myself?
- How will I make it without the weekly support I get from MOPS and my women's Bible study--both of which I will have to give up to work full-time?
- Where do we go from here?
- Why? Why??
I'm left with questions--questions that may not even have answers at all. But this is real. This is bone-chillingly, mind-numbingly, faith-testingly, earth-shatteringly real.
But the fact is that life doesn't stop--can't stop here. I have two small children who need me to be their strength and support. And I need God to be my strength and support because I just can't do it on my own. If nothing else, this is teaching me humility, to accept help from people who barely know me, to admit defeat.
I can't do this on my own.
So with the help and prayers of amazing women God has placed in my life, I am putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. And somehow, by God's grace, we will pull through and be stronger for the struggle.
By God's grace alone.
I love you darlin! *HUG*
ReplyDeleteYou'll be happier...just wait and see.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this fully. Living in a spirit of fear keeps us from reaching our full potential. Now is the chance to start anew and show your kids how strong mommy can be. They are watching you and cheering for you to be victorious. Worrying about what could have been different will not change the present. It's time for you to move forward and reclaim your joy.
DeleteKinda makes you want to cuss up a storm, hit people, and perhaps take up drinking. It absolutely sucks. I guess take it one day at a time and hope that one day you can find someone who finds taking care of their commitments as important as you do. Good grief. Love you
ReplyDeleteoh-no-oh-no my dear sara. i grieve with you and i pray for peace in your heart that calms all the unanswerable questions. i love you!
ReplyDeleteamazingly, our devotional last night was called 'coping with the unimaginable' and the verse at the end was Jeremiah 29:11 - i would include up to verse 14 because God's words are so comforting: 'I will be found by you.... I will gather you...' i pray that you feel Him gathering you up and carrying you through this. He has beautiful plans for you and your kids!
oh-no-oh-no my dear sara. i grieve with you and i pray for peace in your heart to calm all the unanswerable questions. i love you!
ReplyDeleteamazingly our devotional last night was called 'coping with the unimaginable' and the verse at the end was Jeremiah 29:11 - i would include up to verse 14 because God's words are so comforting: "I will be found by you... I will gather you..." i pray that you feel Him gathering you up and carrying you through. He has beautiful plans for you and your kids!
God will be your strength. Remember to take one moment at a time as Jesus carry you through this. It is all that you describe, but God wasn't taken by surprise. He will get you and the kids through this, one moment at a time. Praying for your interview on Monday.
ReplyDelete[It erased my lovely comments. Grr.]
ReplyDeleteSaralynn, you are a beautiful, gifted mother and a woman of God. Remember this above all other details. As God's child, you are in His care and I trust that you will continue to receive the love and care of your MOPS group and family members. Martin and i have been grieving for you even though we are so far away. You have a special place in our hearts and we long to be able to love you in person. God is faithful. Even in the darkest moments, God is there. In the long run, I believe this will cause you to grow in unique ways and will result in your being even more remarkable and strong. As Roslyn says: One day at a time. We love you. xox
The enemy hates families, and I know many that have been broken within the last year. I admit that my relationship has skated on very thin ice several times during our 11 years of marriage, and I never fully feel like we will be "fine". But I also have one friend whose husband left her for another woman, and then he discovered his error and humbly returned, and now their marriage is better than ever. So I never give up hope that God can restore. And if He choses not to restore, I am confident that He can replace. Just know that your struggles and faults are only those that are common to man; that there was never one particular thing that could have been changed or one particular thing that was the cause; only that the world and the flesh has caused a separation as it has been doing since the days of Adam and Eve. God made a way to redeem us from that, and He can make a way to redeem you. He will be with you always. ALWAYS.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Saralynn, your Cornerstone Family in Savannah grieves with you! I can hardly begin to imagine what you are going through. My prayers are with you and your little one and if there is anything we can do please do not hesitate to ask. I have a trunk full of little girl clothes I can bring to you if that will help. We love you and miss you and are always here for you!
ReplyDeleteI came across this article right after I read your blog yesterday. I thought it might speak to you: "God Speaks Through Pain?" http://www.prodigalmagazine.com/god-speaks-through-pain/
ReplyDeleteGive God the pieces of your heart to hold for awhile. Little by little Jesus will help you put your heart back together. He'll start with your love for your beautiful children, and Jesus will keep on mending, He'll add love from your family and friends and keep on mending. He'll give you songs to cry and songs to keep on mending. Keep praying and letting the God glue dry one piece at a time.
ReplyDeleteIt takes two to make a marriage and it takes two too to break it up. I feel for you without taking sides, sometimes it just doesnt work; life and all it holds can be too challenging and things fall apart, relationships just break up. I am so sorry for you both, for your families and those that love you. Lean on God, He's more than able.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I don't know you but I trust you have Saralynn's best at heart... In saying that, I disagree with you. Not all heartbreak is equally caused! Saralynn, thanks for sharing this part of your story - thinking of you and your precious children. Praying for you at this time. You are a beautiful person, inside and out!
ReplyDeleteI have been through divorce myself with two children, I know how you feel. I had to start working part-time, and eventually up to full-time, now on my 4th raise and 3rd promotion! Took years, but I am getting there. And I disagree with Lisa completely, yes in some instances that may be true. But there are plenty of marriages where one or the other person is NEVER satisfied, abusive unfaithful, etc and the other does everything ot make it work. Until you have lived that person's life and been inside their marriage we should refrain from speculating. Not to mention in Saralynn's post, I didn't hear her throwing any blame anyway......
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