Five Movies to Avoid

I recently watched a film that really got my goat. It didn’t make a lick of sense to me—even by the end—and so I thought I’d share my experience with you, along with four similar experiences. Now, I know there are exceptions to every rule, and that people’s tastes differ. I’m not saying these movies are horrible by any means. I’m just saying I didn’t like them, and I want to tell you why. (And I’m not giving you the links because why on earth would I want to link you to a movie I think you shouldn’t watch?)

• Solaris (2002). Okay, so it's an interesting idea. But honestly, I didn't understand more than a few minutes of the movie. The plot, from what I gathered, is that a psych-therapist person (George Clooney) is asked to go investigate some weird things going on at a space station. And the whole thing is classified. From then on, things don't make sense. Maybe they're not supposed to. Not only that, but it's SOOOOOO slow! It reminded me of the first 200 pages of The Brothers Karamazov. I just waded through them because I had to for class, but there was hardly anything going on--no story yet to speak of. That's how all of Solaris is. There are a few isolated events toward the end, but even they don't save the movie. It would be like trying to use a tourniquet on someone who's been decapitated. Good luck! Anyway, just don't watch it.
• Closer (2004). We had no idea what this was like, but my housemate and I went to see this in the discount theatre right after it came out. It has lots of famous people in it, so we were hoping for a good show. Not only did we detest the film, but we decided afterward that we should have alked out of the movie as soon as we knew we didn't like it. From the beginning, it's full of foul language and explicit sexuality, and portrays relationships as meaningless drivel to toss around. I strongly recommend you avoid this one.
• Love Actually (2003). This is another movie chock full of famous actors and actresses, but it, too, leaves a LOT to be desired. It's supposed to be a romantic comedy, but although it has its moments, it's generally a waste of time for anyone with a clear idea of what true love actually is. The movie portrays "love" as simply being in a relationship that involves sex. Obviously, the people who truly think that way are missing out big time. Nah, toss it aside. Don't bother with this movie.
• Fight Club (1999). I like Brad Pitt as much as any gal. (Well, maybe a little less.) He just shines in Seven Years in Tibet. But Fight Club is a whole different dimension. I guess you could call this a "man movie," as the title suggests, but I would never find this overblown testosterone film on the shelves of the mature and intelligent men I know. It's a mind twister that leaves you in the end with your brain all full of knots, and the worst part is that it really is mostly about fighting. Yeehaw. Sorry, boys, but if this is your favourite movie, you need a new life.
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004). Once again, this is a movie I was completely clueless about the entire time. What is going on? What does that mean? Why did she say that? Who is he? What is going on?? Maybe I'm just daft. Or maybe it's better the second time you see it. But I enjoy movies that are easy to understand, in general. Movies are entertaining to me, relaxing and fun. I don't want to have to stretch my brain into a double-helix in order to follow the plot. Thanks, but no thanks.